Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f**k he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris’ sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s f**king beef.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never f*ks up.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*king Jeep.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can’t find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the f**k out of the way.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can’t lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the f**k Chuck Norris is.

The phrase, “You are what you eat” cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, “Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery.”

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims “6 Feet of Fun” is actually the trademark for his penis.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

When God said, “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say please.”

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris once finished “The Song that Never Ends”.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn’t real, it’s when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn’t win an Oscar for his performance in “Sidekicks” is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That’s just suicide.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better f**king do what Chuck Norris says.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says “Go”. This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

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